Crystal Senter Brown is (not) just a girl...

A note about my poetry:

Everything inspires me.  People I know, personal experiences, memories from my past.  Not everything I write is true, but most of what I write has either happened to me or someone close to me.

Until my work makes it into  a book, my poetry is always a work in progress.  Since I am back to maintaining my own site, I can make updates anytime I want- which is why you may sometimes find typos or things out of place-

Please send me your comments about my work- I'd love to hear from you!  Click the "contact me" button to the left.

Missing you today (first poem for Ella, 1 year later) NEW (in progress)

i look for you in every sunset

those mornings when the

comforter covers my endless dreams

and when the days seem too long to bear

i look for you everywhere

as i comb the tangles out my hair

and my reflection stares back at me

i see you, smiling

An angel on earth, your laugh carried me

Through the many years of instability

The only constant, the only thing

I could count on, daily

The morning you left was the same as any other

Turned upside down by a 3 minute phone call

My brother, softly, explaining your departure

I didn’t remember much after that

And the days that followed blurred between

Unwanted flowers, tears, distant relatives

A downward spiral I didn’t recognize right away

Depression curiously disguised as the flu, a cold, chronic fatigue

And even 1 year later your spirit still shines through me

All you ever were, I try so hard to be

As I do all I can to help others in need

I still miss you.

One day I know I will look up

To find you sitting next to me

Your sunflower smile, beaming

Hands full of butterscotch lifesavers

And we’ll drive about town, just you and I

And the tears I’ve cried will finally subside

We’ll have ice cream and ice water (like you always did)

And spend our evening watching Andy Griffith

I don’t know why you had to go so soon

Before he grew up, before he finished school

Your “booshane” stands taller than you’d ever believe

And you’d be proud to see your light shine through him and me

I am perhaps your final gift to the world

This dusty haired chubby little girl

With cheeks that smiled just like you

You taught me all I know, made me who I am today.

In the days that followed you. NEW!

That first morning

The sun didn’t come up as planned

The birds even slept in

Their songs, silenced by the whistling wind…

I couldn’t eat for days.

Friends worried I would waste away

But I knew I would be okay

once I cleared you from my mind

I knew it would take much more time

Than the few days they had graciously allowed me.

Five years, reduced to boxes marked “mine” and “hers”

Our early morning kisses now a not-so-fond memory

I still wear the necklace you gave me, but am considering burying it

In the yard, along with the rest of your things

My normal routine was interrupted

Tears streaming down my face, erasing my

Freshly applied make-up

My hair piled atop my head like a wayward serpent

Your ring removed from my finger, shined brightly on our bathroom sink

You were supposed to be my forever

My light, my mate, my partner for life

Maybe even my wife one day, but now

You need to stay as far away from me as possible

She needs to as well.

The hell you have put me through

Will certainly return to you

Perhaps in the form of a runaway bride,

a sick loved one,

a car that suddenly cannot stop.

Bitter makes me feel better

Bitter will help me move forward, faster

Bitter may very well save you, in all ways,

from me

Week 3 finds the sun peeking around the clouds,

birds clearing their throats

for a new song to sing

Your physical body may still sleep one wall away

But my heart has swept you out on this beautiful, bright day

Allowing joy and peace to ease on in

Padding my steps as I prepare

To begin

Again

the lying lion

the lion girl, mane untamed

spending time without knowing her name

playing games with someone else's man

deeper feelings fall in, unplanned

you didnt see her coming,

she slid in with the wind

and when your lady wouldnt bend,

she did- happily

and when your lady wouldnt relax, let her hair down

she did, nappily

your hands tangled,

medusa's grip pulled you in

you cant escape now, without giving in/to

sinning, screaming, slipping, you can't

swallow the air around her,

she is toxic for you, she pulls apart your tie,

winks her eye, thinks you're cute,

and then its already much too late

but dont you dare throw away those saturdays,

those daddy days, those early May mornings

when your lady flips flapjacks as you lie on your back watching the game

and you dont you dare waste those vows,

the rings,

the beginnings that made life beautiful

in this moment of curiousity,

 the sleepless nights

your lady wont let you go without a fight

that 1 percent the lion girl gives,

wont make up for what your lady won't ever forgive

you have to think with the head

 that's atop your neck

stay on your deck

keep your fire in check

tell the lion girl to stay in her cage

keep her contained,

where it's safe.

when the hula hoop is a sanctuary

(a Saturday in Springfield, MA)

the hula hoop is round,

bold stripes in red and green

her lean, brown daughter proudly twists her hips

as the hula hoop swivles round and round

a stream of light floats in from the kitchen

the rain pours into puddles in the front yard

and through the roof onto the kitchen cabinet

a foil pan solves that problem for now,

slowly filling with water.

Her daughter's braids swing with each spin of the hoop,

her mother looks on, proudly..

this beautiful warrior, strong,

a pink scarf tied around her head..

And instead of rushing off to another

meeting, appointment, errand, anything

she simply leans against the wall, beaming

with nothing but the sound of the hoop

swoosh

swoosh

swoosh

3 crazy girls= 1, cancer= 0

It will never return

The three of us have already sent word ahead of you.

The medical records will soon be unnecessary

Tomorrow, your wig will burn

along with the chemotherapy,

anti-nausea pills and IV tubing.

Cancer may be bad,

but it has never seen the likes of us three

Crazy girls,

drinking margaritas in the middle of the day,

cursing behind infusion suite walls

Toting triple chocolate cake and bad attitudes.

Your cheeks are now pink, again

Your hair, struggling up from the roots,

curled and new

Your regal statue makes us proud, our queen..

It will never return.

We have sent word ahead of you.

It has already seen what prayer can do.

It has already watched all of the necessities, roast and burn

I can assure you, my dear friend

It will never.

Return.

the show

they dance around

tapping on the floor, flipping hats,

bowing down

teeth shining, hows you's and

choosing the very best words to say

smelling like im gonna regret this tomorrow

looking like i know better

but they dont know that my forever sleeps next to me every night

smells like 2 a.m. in the light of our moon

my tomorrow scrambles eggs with cheese

plants a garden for me on his bended knee

my forever puts on a nice shirt because i ask

admires my assets from behind, spends quality time

the real one, the only one i will ever need

the one who has chosen to spend hs life with me

he has my soul inside and out

he's the only one i could never do without

so i'll pass, my dear friend on whatever you offer

you may look the part,

but he

has my soul

my life,

my heart..

(painting: "Sundays Best" by Janice Treece Senter www.janicetreecesenter.com) 

TENT REVIVAL IN RUTLEDGE, TN. DAY 5 *NEW*

(work in progress)

Sunday morning biscuits and gravy

Nannie’s kitchen warm to the touch

Eleven years old, I want to sleep all day,

in this moth ball scented bed

Nannie has laid out a dress to wear today

Plaited my hair into 2 braids

Said we cant lay around today,

church begins at 9

The dusty, dirt road envelopes

our station wagon

Aunt ella drives around the back of the tent

Missionaries from 3 counties over,

patiently await our arrival

I sit in the folding chair,

the wood cutting into my fleshy legs

2 hours later, nannie hands me

a crumpled bag

Ham sandwiches, RC cola and pound cake

Bishop brooks offers a handful of peppermints

Melted from the combined Rutledge heat

and his 80 year old hands

Nannie says to be nice,

and take it anyway-

and I do only to bury it in the dirt

Seven hours of singing,

guitar playing, shouting, praying

We three, leave exhausted

Pile into Ellas stationwagon

for the journey home,

filled with light,

God’s word.

GODSEND *NEW*

(this is in progress)

your wedding day was filled with promise, your family beamed with pride, as you assumed the role of bride, wife, companion to this Godsend of a man

your mama told you,

understand his many ways, always be

grateful that you have someone who loves you enough to

put a ring on your finger

but you wanted more than

an apron tied around your waist

you wanted to taste every bit of life,

the role of wife was secondary

so while he worked his long days,

brought home his

paycheck, you picked up takeout,

pretended

you had cooked all day,

when

the only time you'd spend within the confines of the kitchen walls was when he'd call

during his lunch break

he waited for you to grow up

and instead you grew out, started school, met new people

didnt want anything to do with him

and when he finally did leave you were actually surprised, cried, called your mama- listened to

i told you so's and complaints of why the hell you still acted so young

but you were only 21

you needed more than these 4 walls,

your sun shined bright enough to

blind you,

you tried to be truthful, but couldn't

and when your family assembled that rainy saturday

packed the U-Haul with what was left

your tiny hips, squeezing between your parents-

a child again

ready

to begin again...

FREE LUNCH *NEW*

Lunchtime often

finds us

intertwined

dining on

flesh/

falling in lust

on fire

we were not hired to do this job

our 9 to 5's require much less than this

but the slight touch of your lips

on my lips spins me round

and soon, we tumble to the ground

with nothing left, but this

Erotically, you are my everything

not the stability that married life brings

we don't run saturday morning errands

share ballet class carpools

or assemble backyward swings

but you speak sweet things in my ear

reducing me to a school-girl whisper,

thinking no one can hear

but i know i will not grow old with you

this much i know is most certainly true

this right now is just for right now and I didn't know what else to do

but when you asked, i couldn't say anything other than yes

my hair an awful mess

your hands underneath my dress

this respectful girl, now a name on your wall

you are safely between my legs as I slide down your deck..

at least my heart is in the right place

which is why I ended up in the living room of your rented place

your face next to mine, we run out of time

and i arrive back at our front desk

nervously smoothing my hair

lunch money still in pocket

with 7 minutes

to spare...

(c) 2008

COUNTRY GIRL *NEW*

you are waiting

it is sunday

we have plans

for brunch and

you pick me

up in your

daddy's old

pick-up truck

you call me

country girl

say i'm way

prettier in

person than

in my

photos you've

seen here and

there. i'm scared

in this new

bright sunny

dawn of a

relationship

you open

the door for

me, say please

and thank you

you let me

order steak and

salad even

cheesecake for

dessert, we

drink coffee,

talk about

our past failed

attempts at

making a

go at love.

you drop me

off on the

corner by

the sign that

says one way

cause your

daddys truck

cant back up

no more. i

walk home with

the scent of

exhaust fumes

soaked to the

seams of my

brand new dress

you say you'll

call in three

days, since that's

the norm, but

as i wash

your smoke off

my legs, my

arms, my skin

the phone rings

and its you

parked outside

asking can

you come

in...

 (Painting "Grief" by Janice Treece Senter)

MUDDY OCEANS *New*

For Lynn

1978-2006

in the morning of us

we sing love songs/

tack up old pictures

of us as babies, chubby faces

laugh at our toothless grins

our noontime hour is slow

long, no cable, coat hanger adorned TV

peanut butter and jelly sandwiches

holey water hoses

we dig ditches, fill it with water and dig with our bare hands

the cool, clear water converts the dirt into a muddy mess

our own private, ocean...

our afternoon is filled with penny candy

trips to the parking lot of the day old bakery

filling pillowcases with powdered donuts

ho hos, ring dings and honeybuns

we say we'll sell them for a quarter each, but the afternoon sun

finds us eating them all, one by one

evening is fish fries

crushed cans of Budweiser

Newports and rollered heads resting on the shrink wrapped sofa

a scratchy Diana ross record screams over the laughter and disagreements

we wait for them to leave for the night

so we can watch Friday night videos and HBO

but at midnight, you are gone

your bed, is still made, 7 days later

your posters curl at the ends like I wish my hair would

they say the good ones go first

but I needed you here

who else knew me, when I had gumball-filled cheeks

who else knew me, when I was afraid of the macrome raccoon that adorned our wall

the one, I swore smiled at me

like rita on the forest fire commercials

you are still here, they say

your spirit is heavy, takes up the whole room sometimes

and when my tears are long, and the room is full of people

but not one person who knows me

like you knew me

I remember our pillowcases

our honeybuns, our muddy oceans

and I smile…

Love *NEW*

the radiator buzzes me a new song to write about

steaming it's way up the wall, through the cracks

the moonlight peeks through my ceiling/ window

and I wonder when you'll decide to call

you said i was crazy for leaving you there

said I didnt care, had no soul, or needs

and I listened and indeed you were right

I could sleep better at night, when you were gone

some ladies say that they need a man

someone who understands them, fix a tire, cuddle at night

and thats alright for those who dont want much

but I need more, I desire more

I demand more than most girls you'll meet

and you've stepped up to the plate, discreetly tucked away

all those nay sayers who said we wouldnt have a chance

and you asked me, to dance

you werent the first, werent the brightest

werent the smoothest, richest or smartest

you werent the most fit, or most quick to find a hustle

but you understood me, and all my many faces

you knew all about my happen stance past

my broken spirit, cast a light on my day

your sunshine followed me along my way

and i stayed with you longer, than any other

i even told my mother about you

how you knew just what to do, and say

to make the light turn your way

and I was amazed at how you kept my attention for so long

so this night, as the moon plays tricks with me

it's cheezy face smiling, hiding the sun

I lie here awake counting the spiders on the ceiling

wondering if you really are the one

you'll come back soon and we'll assume our given rolls

the late night chatter, as the wind blows

the trees in our yard will bend and sway

and we'll thank God for blessing us with yet another day

another day to run and dance and fight

and scream and make love through the middle of the night

and we'll raise our arms and thank the heavens above

for finding the two of us, and giving us,

Love...

THE DAY BEFORE PAYDAY *New*

the fridge hums a song of

please fill me with something good to eat

perhaps some tomatoes, or fresh cucumbers

do away with the foil covered food of yesterday

there are beans on the boil, that will have to do

and some cornmeal, we'll mix to make a pan of bread

and instead of water, we may have enough honey

to make the poor man's lemonade

1 part generic lemon juice

1 part tap water

1 part sugar or honey

you and i dine on our beans and cornbread

washed down with the sugary sweetness of

love that can exist

and outlast

all of this....

Eating Out

zero calories

and plus, its so much cheaper

anyway, he say(s)...

the night hip hop stopped the world (NEW and very much in progress)- this is for you!

hip hop beats through the speakers

the bass thumping against my chest

his african beads plead to get next to me

we fall in

on this wild summer evening

hiding out from the world,

literal strangers

with nothing in common but a tribe called quest

he guesses I'm 16,

I'm guessing he's close enough

the room swallows us in,

sweat drips down my neck

into his waiting hands

i dont understand the fire

that is swelling up from my jean skirt,

feeling so good

it almost hurts,

falling in way past the flirt..

he asks can we step outside,

onto the grass,

where even the trees are high

van gough green,

birds sleeping in the limbs

if this was my last moment on earth,

i'd want to spend it with him

the logical me tries to pull my body back inside

but the wild me wins,

and the dance begins

the ground even vibrates,

he takes me to the stars

the only hearts that beat in this moment

are ours

and the moments that follow make musical notes

dance above our heads,

my hands in his dreads

his arms around my waist,

the taste of him

still wet

on my mouth....

YEAR ELEVEN

meet me

between blinks

right when

you think you have figured me out

before you even start

to dream out loud

spin my thoughts on the clouds

in your sky

treat my eyes to the silouette of you

undressed before the sun comes up

before the showers

when it's just the two of us

find my spirit sliding

between our sheets

make room for our new souls

who have yet

to meet.....